God leads me by the
hand, a crippled body, soul and mind. What infinite patience I can only
wonder at... To be an idiot- I see the evidence of this daily. I am
mentally retarded and incapable of acting correctly. True enough I
find myself more often than not on the top of a big mountain of
idiots... Incapable morons with no real purpose in life. How long will I
wander aimlessly of my own accord while his unflinching hand stays in
front of me offering? I would guess just like the parent of an
adolescent he watches me, (intently- with a yearning desire ) waiting for
the day when I can realize my errant ways. I would also bet that
all of this time that I have spent reinforcing my pride and proving my
worth above and beyond other men was not in vain. It shows me how
pitiful I am (to a small degree of truth) and how big he truly is...
I could spend my life thinking and writing and showing off my arrogance in an attempt to lie about my nature and EVEN IF the evidence were true-
I wouldn't even be able to compare myself to what god is. The equivalent comparison would be that of apples and math. They do not compare, even better yet a comparison is everything I know and everything I do not know > nothing. In reality it is a bigger comparison but I lack the language skills required, and depth of imagination if the language were not a problem.
Here is the truth in the matter. I am not good enough in any area anyone could ever possibly create to compare to him in the smallest way. And still he watches... waiting for the day when I can come to him and say "Father forgive me, I love you as much as I can and I want to be with you always". I mourn for the loss of my childlike ignorance. I rue the day that I "grew up" and realized reality was bigger than I could comprehend... in discovering reality it replaced my ability to only perceive what was important. GOD.
Much like the author of ecclesiastes I was coming to the realization that we are all chasing the wind. And this is a false assumption, god's justice demands the attention required to live a life of purpose. Although I came to the realization with the best of intentions. I presumed that god was so glorious that I could not achieve anything of worth. My despair lasted for several years, thinking that my life accomplish absolutely nothing.
When you live life with ecclesiastes applied you arrive at destruction. There is no doubt in my mind that as scholars claim- solomon did not write it. For many years I struggled pointlessly. I worked at a small record label funded by drug money (there is much more destruction I caused myself but I do not have the time or motivation)... you can imagine the highjinx that ensued from living hoplessly. I contributed to the moral destruction of other people, and in turn I was destroyed. This was god's justice, although I could not see it clearly. I was blinded by my despair.
I could spend my life thinking and writing and showing off my arrogance in an attempt to lie about my nature and EVEN IF the evidence were true-
I wouldn't even be able to compare myself to what god is. The equivalent comparison would be that of apples and math. They do not compare, even better yet a comparison is everything I know and everything I do not know > nothing. In reality it is a bigger comparison but I lack the language skills required, and depth of imagination if the language were not a problem.
Here is the truth in the matter. I am not good enough in any area anyone could ever possibly create to compare to him in the smallest way. And still he watches... waiting for the day when I can come to him and say "Father forgive me, I love you as much as I can and I want to be with you always". I mourn for the loss of my childlike ignorance. I rue the day that I "grew up" and realized reality was bigger than I could comprehend... in discovering reality it replaced my ability to only perceive what was important. GOD.
Much like the author of ecclesiastes I was coming to the realization that we are all chasing the wind. And this is a false assumption, god's justice demands the attention required to live a life of purpose. Although I came to the realization with the best of intentions. I presumed that god was so glorious that I could not achieve anything of worth. My despair lasted for several years, thinking that my life accomplish absolutely nothing.
When you live life with ecclesiastes applied you arrive at destruction. There is no doubt in my mind that as scholars claim- solomon did not write it. For many years I struggled pointlessly. I worked at a small record label funded by drug money (there is much more destruction I caused myself but I do not have the time or motivation)... you can imagine the highjinx that ensued from living hoplessly. I contributed to the moral destruction of other people, and in turn I was destroyed. This was god's justice, although I could not see it clearly. I was blinded by my despair.
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